Parents exercise parental authority over their children jointly. This means that all significant decisions regarding the care and upbringing of their shared children—such as where the children are officially registered, where they attend school, what medical treatments are initiated, and so on—are made together.
Even after a breakup, parents continue to exercise joint parental authority. However, in some cases, communication between ex-partners can be uncomfortable for one or both parents. In practice, this rarely leads to conflict.
Toxic relationship between parents
In certain cases, however, it does lead to problems. For example, when the breakup was tough, one parent harbors resentment towards the other, or one of the ex-partners exhibits narcissistic tendencies. In such situations, it’s possible for the joint exercise of parental authority to be misused, allowing one parent to continue exerting control over the other even after the relationship has ended. For more, refer to our previous blog posts: Divorcing a Narcissist – Part 1 and Part 2.
Communication between the parents may become especially strained when one parent ignores the other, making it difficult to make appropriate decisions for the children. In other cases, exercising parental authority results in continuous messages, emails, phone calls, and so on.
This can feel hopeless, and it’s not uncommon for one parent to enter survival mode, driven by fear and trauma. Without action, one parent may take matters into their own hands by stopping communication altogether, leading them to make decisions without the other parent’s consent. The other parent may then use this against them in mediation or family court to support their position.
The parent suffering from the controlling behavior of the (narcissistic) other parent is often urged to communicate and adopt a constructive attitude. Mediation and co-parenting mediation are then suggested or imposed by family courts as the ultimate solution.
While positive, intensive communication between parents generally serves the children’s best interests, mediation can be beneficial when communication is temporarily challenging.
What is often overlooked, however, is that intense cooperation with the other parent can revive or exacerbate trauma from the relationship. The partner who has escaped the manipulative, toxic relationship can’t escape the co-parenting relationship. The impact on the mental health of both the parent and the children can be significant.
Psychological research has shown that in 15% of cases, co-parenting mediation or mediation is not the solution. Imposing a mediation process may amplify the trauma between ex-partners and perpetuate ongoing conflict.
Therefore, it is important to approach the dynamic between two ex-partners with an open mind and accept that there is no one-size-fits-all solution.
The notion that “where two parents fight, both are at fault,” often applied in family court, is not always correct and lacks nuance.
The therapeutic parallel solo parenting (PSO) model can offer relief in such situations and provide new perspectives for the parents.
What is Parallel Solo Parenting (PSO)? PSO is a method for parents dealing with a (high) conflict separation, aiming to minimize communication with the ex-partner. It focuses on:
- Raising awareness in the parents about their solo responsibility in raising the child as a separated parent;
- Helping the parent regain peace when conflict persists;
- Ensuring that ongoing conflict does not result in “paralyzed parenting,” where decisions for the child are made out of fear that the other parent will use them against them.
What is the goal of PSO?
PSO provides a framework for parents who feel they are raising their children from a survival mechanism rather than a place of free choice. The child must remain at the center of every decision. The bond between parent and child can (re)strengthen when the child feels that the parent is reliable.
The parent must always weigh what is meaningful to share with the other parent and what doesn’t need to be shared.
Does my situation qualify for PSO?
Every separation is complex and deserves an individual approach. A specialized family law attorney, in collaboration with the appropriate support services, should determine whether PSO could be a useful path to suggest, either as part of or outside of a family court procedure.
Are you experiencing difficulties and stress in communicating with your ex-partner? Contact Keyser Lawyers, and let us help you find peace in your parenting once again.
